I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
