good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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