You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
