so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
