Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
