u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
