chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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