can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
now i know why i became what i already was.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
