you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
