He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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