Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
