dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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