i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
