He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
