They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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