Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You dont lie about slip and slides
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Randomize
