ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
