Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
