I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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