i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
