i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
