either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
