Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
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