In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
someone owes me an orgasm
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
