apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
