How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
