I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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