when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
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