So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
