Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
And the cops told us we were all naked.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You are the jesus of drinking
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Randomize
