I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
