Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
