Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
