Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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