I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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