Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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