pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
