do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
