Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
