This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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