never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
