Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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