drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
