Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
