I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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