my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
