"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
