non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
