btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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