So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
