She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize