I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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